I REALLY like Halloween!
Thanksgiving is kinda cool if ya like to drive all over hell and back trying to keep all the cooks in ya family from feeling either dejected or down right insulted... Xmas is just one long pain in the ass looking for gifts for people who already have everything but still expect "a little something" from ya and Easter...well...see the rules for Thanksgiving on this holiday!
But Halloween...All Hallows Eve...Sam Hein...now THIS is my idea of a holiday that had partyin' and wild crazy people in mind! Endless costume parties to sit and watch at the bars...house parties on every block and hey! Who can resist the look on a little kid's face when they bite into that Caramel Coated Onion ya handed em???
Xmas??? BAH! Gimme some Black Lights...a pair of cheap plastic Vampire Teeth and a huge bowl of CANDY and let's PARTY!


Like any major bash ya plan...Halloween requires a certain amount of planning and careful purchasing in order for your party guests to feel like they were run over by a truck for at least a week and at the same time to know deep down inside their toxin infested souls that they really did have a GREAT TIME!
First and foremost on the list should be plenty of Adult Beverages. I always like to leave the beer up to the individual but, well...buy one of those big plastic balls full of the cheapest, nastiest beers you can find! Most people at your party will drink one glass of this stuff and then pool their money and send some poor unsuspecting slob to the corner store to purchase beer that doesn't actually have the half life of nuclear material. (Besides...this way ya get to suck the beer outta this contraption on your back porch for the next month or so!)
Next thing you have to consider is the children. Yes...that's right! On the big night you will undoubtedly have all manner of neighbor hood drape apes, rug rats and bubble gum poppin' adolescents poundin' on ya door askin' for a handout like ya actually owe them one! So...while you are out shopping for that ball of beer, pick up 15 or 20 bags of sugar enhanced kiddie fuel...I like Reece's Cups and Snicker's Bars so I make sure I have plenty of these on hand and I also buy 2 or 3 bags of that nasty ass Candy Corn to give away to the bag draggers. Okay...so I don't actually put the good stuff out but like Xmas...it is the thought that counts!
If you plan on getting folks to stay later than 8:00 PM you're also gonna have to cough up some cash for food. Chips and pretzel's are good BUT...if you want to do this thing right and be the talk of the bar next week ya better also make sure ya have some REAL food there too! I like to buy out the grocery stores supply of Ribs and Chicken Wings. These are easy enough to prepare and if ya have a kick ass killer BBQ sauce (like yours truly does!) your guests will not only be happy but will also add that special ambiance to ya bathroom and back yard bushes when they start mixin' double shots of all manner of wacky shots on top of it!
Any party needs decorations to be a hit. Halloween offers the gentle host the opportunity to show just how sick and depraved an individual he truly is! Remember that beer ball? When ya drop it in that big wash tub of ice...pour a whole bottle of red food coloring in on the ice. This is a great effect and will help your revelers on their way up to the store with the beer money in hand!
As far as actual wall hangin', scotch tape encrusted decorations go, FORGET THAT CRAP! Hit the local Halloween Shop or even the dumpster out behind the local butcher shop for those decorations that really jump out and grab your guests! The bloodier the better! Don't get cheap now and go for the little cardboard ghosts and plastic K-MART skulls! With a little advance planning and a few bucks slipped to a hospital orderly the real stuff can be readily had. (Ya might wanna check your local laws or neighborhood association though and see how they feel about cadavers hanging from the telephone poles around ya house!)


Ya know...there's absolutely nothing wrong with a shot and a beer. However...from the beginning of time, mankind, for reasons which I will never understand, feels the need to mix the most bizarre concoctions of alcohol, soda pop and fruity flavored slop while in "Official Party Mode". You can take a guy who normally only drinks Budweiser out of the can...stick him into a party at a friends house and before you can say "Mylanta" he is dumping everything in the refrigerator into a shot glass, setting it on fire and then attempting to pour in down his throat all the while lying his ass off and tellin' everyone how "good" it really is while his wife attempts to beat out the flames in his beard.
So now, for the benefit of all those who either feel "artistic" or simply just want to try something new in the never ending attempt to rot their guts out, I offer up a short list of "Halloween" flavored party drinks. For those of you who are like myself and consider a shot of JD poured over JD mixed with JD a well balanced "mixed drink"...you can always sit by the bonfire and laugh like mad as one by one your party guests spew chunks of pineapple and cherries out of their noses.


Well...if you like Bloody Marys...this is for you! It looks like a Bloody Mary to everyone but the person drinking it (or the guy who is trying to pick her up!) It looks pretty nasty but in all actuality, it's better than a Regular Bloody Mary!
*Shot of Vodka
*Veggie Sqeezins or Tomato Juice
*Worsh...warches...woosester...AW! STEAK SAUCE!
*Tobasco or any kinda hot sauce ya have (The little packets from Taco Bell work!)
*Bean Sprouts (That's what I said!)
Toss everything but the sprouts in a glass and mix it up with your genuine Halloween rubber severed finger...add ice if ya want to and then toss the sprouts on top of it all...it tastes a lot better than it looks. (Or sounds!)


This one is kind of tricky to make but even if ya mess it up it still looks nasty as hell!
Pour a shot of Peppermint schnapps.
While ever so slightly tipping the shot glass, SLOWLY pour a little Irish Cream into it by way of letting it kinda pour in on the very edge of the shot glass so it actually balls up in the bottom.
Add a drop or two of Grenadine for color.
Close your eyes and SLAM it!

Cess Pool

This is just pure rot! It looks nasty...it tastes even worse and if ya ain't use to having alcohol laying in the bottom of your stomach I would steer clear!
*Shot of 151 Rum
*Half a shot of Gin
*Half a shot of Melon Liqueur
*Add some Pineapple Juice, Lime Juice and a drop or two of Grenadine
Ask me now why I stick to JD!

Buzzards Breath

It tastes just like the name says but HEY! It's a shot! Ya ain't supposed to keep it in ya mouth all night!
*Shot of Peppermint Schnapps
*Shot of Amaretto
*Shot of Coffee liqueur
Mix this road kill up in a glass with Ice, pour it in a shot glass and kill it quick!

More to come!


Every great party needs music. Some people though, no matter what ya have on hand to play will always be diggin' through your stash of CD's and vitage recordings for Abba or some other Disco Bondage Freak music so, all you can do is suffer the madness and play what ya want! It is, afterall, your house and your party and unless you move about in really weird circles of friends most people in attendance should go along with whatever you choose to load into the CD changer.
First of all set down the rules!
1.) No one but yourself is allowed to change the music! Otherwise you end up with 6 women huddled around your stereo playin' 20 seconds of this and 10 seconds of that until they drive everyone nuts!
2.) No one is allowed to bring their own music! The problem is some moron will always walk in with his favorite "Hootie and the Blowfish" CD and by the time he gets drunk and passes out head down in the toilet, everyone will be sick of listening to him expound psychobabble about "How excellent!" these moanin' hippies are!
3.) Try to keep the music in tune with the holiday! For some reason Alice Cooper or a little Warren Zevon go down much better at a Halloween Party than Lynyrd Skynyd does...nuff said!
4.) Under NO circumstances allow YOURSELF to get drunk and then start playing ANY music that will cause you to become deep and insightful! Remember!!! This IS your party and the last thing ya want or need is a bunch of drunks sittin' around discussing 1976 and how memories can mess with ya skull!
5.) If all else fails, find a local FM radio station that is playin' good party tunes...chances are they will provide the proper mix of sounds devoid of all the usual biting and slapping that would end up occuring in front of ya stereo. Unless those guys that came dressed as the Village People are taking their costumes real serious anyway...that is.